Saturday, August 22, 2020

Flashback Saturday....and not in a good way

 I know the last posts have transitioned into a positive and honest discussion about the adoption process. Today is a very different date, today marks one year since we lost our Ellie only 14 weeks into her life growing in my wife's belly. Today is a somber day but one I hope to make it through. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about her, there is not a day where I have some visceral reaction to something on TV, in the news, or said by someone. In those moments the day comes back just like it was yesterday. This week has been harder than most and the devil has been placing things in my life and way to make me fearful of what my future may be in regards to building my family. 

When I see a baby I think, Ellie would be six months old now. I would have spent a few weeks off bonding but would have been back at work for 4 months by now. Life would have gone on, I just would have had a sweet baby girl to come home to every day. OK the reminiscing of things stops now because that is not what is and it was never what was meant to be. One of the hardest parts about trusting God is letting him answer your prayers at the best time, in the best place, and in the best way. I will not accept that God made this happen but what I will embrace is that God takes all things and redeems them and works them to build a more beautiful future. This is not in the abstract either, this is in the reality of today and tomorrow. God is building me and my wife and our future family in a way that I cant see today but that will blow my mind in the way it will serve the kingdom of God. 

To pray is easy. To believe is easy. To trust is not. I want my prayers to be answered in a certain way, but guess what, that makes no sense. I pray for God's kingdom to come. I pray for Gods WILL to be done. I pray for my own acceptance of that will and my own trust that the will of God and what he is building will better serve Him, me, and the kingdom.

I will always remember and love my Ellie that never got to feel the sunshine on her face or breath a fresh mountain breeze. I have trust that the pain I have felt from her loss has already been used to build my compassion, my patience, my love for others, and how my future will be shaped forever.


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