I have never understood depression and probably still don't, as it is something I have personally never felt like I have dealt with. I have always been the optimist, the positive one, the problem solver. It is just over the last few weeks that my lack of control over the situation has come into full focus and feelings of hopelessness, anger, and fear started to set it in. Usually, I am able to logically convince myself of the acceptability and even goodness of a tough situation. We have only been waiting four months in the pool, we have all the resources we need to finalize, we are where God wants us to be....etc. What I am finding though is that it just feels like the sun never rises on my days. No matter what good happens, no matter what positivity I can bring, doesn't change the feeling of darkness that covers my days recently.
I don't think I have ever stopped over the last eight years to really evaluate how different my journey is. How much of a challenge it is, and how different the end result will look than what my original dreams were. Trying naturally, moved to testing, moved to trying unnaturally, moved to loss, moved to mourning, moved to adoption. The one constant was always movement, the one thing that feels so different over the last four months is this freezing of the movement. Instead of doing another test, trying another treatment, taking another class, filing another paper, we are left to just wait. It feels like the pause button has been pressed and I have no control over when the story will resume.
Because I am the eternal optimist, while I feel the darkness, I refuse to end this on such a negative point. I have to believe that God is redeeming the struggles of the past eight years. I have to believe that the beauty and light I will see in the future will overshadow the darkness of today. I will believe these things.